Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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