just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
