I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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