Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
