oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
