I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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