You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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