i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
