Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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