I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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