I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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