just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
