On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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