she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
