Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
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you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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