why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
