you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
