Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
