I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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