My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
