:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
