after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
