Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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