Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
