I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
