This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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