i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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