People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
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you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
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A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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