I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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