I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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