I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
