I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
