it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
love makes seman taste better
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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