well I can't set my house on fire every night
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
