there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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