Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
