she woke up with a sticky ear
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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