**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sober January is a disaster.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
