I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
why do cheetos always look like penises
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
