she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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