I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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