nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i love accidental penises.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
