she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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