need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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