Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
