Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
