I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
