My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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