Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
