Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
