everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
