i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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