Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
