And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
