Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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