Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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